Blog Archives

Being Controlled by Being ‘In Control’

I am a person who likes to have a plan. I like efficiency and cleanliness. “A place for everything, and everything in its place”, as they say. I usually think that having everything clean, organized, and well planned will make me feel “in control”, and therefore safe and happy… but in reality, it DOESN’T. In reality, I often become uptight about “the plan” and end up becoming very upset if (and when) things don’t work out exactly as I think they should. When my husband leaves a dirty dish in the office, it is a travesty. When I am running late for a casual lunch with a friend, the world is surely about to end.

Today while taking a walk, I was planning out how when I got home, first I would clean the dishes while Brian watched the baby, then make a specific dinner, and so on. But I suddenly realized that this kind of thinking (which I often do) doesn’t add to my happiness, or even make things happen more efficiently. In fact, this kind of thinking just makes me rigid and less able to handle change. I squeeze myself around the thoughts of “it NEEDS to be this way” and I become a prisoner. So I said to myself: “I release you”. And it felt pretty good. In that moment, I was freeing myself from the NEED to know how the rest of my day would turn out. I was not giving up control– I was refusing to BE controlled by my thoughts!

Of course, this is something that you need to do repeatedly, in every new moment, for it to make any real difference at all. So I kept saying it all evening: “I release you!”, while unclenching myself from whatever new thought I had decided was important in that moment. And remarkably, the dishes still got washed, dinner still got made, the baby still got fed + washed + put to bed. Everything that needed to happen happened the way it needed to happen. I did not have to plan the sequence out beforehand. I did not have to be in control of the details. Certain things happened that I would have normally interpreted as happening “wrong”, but I did not mind– I was having an amazing time!

I am still a person who likes cleanliness, and efficiency, and plans. I am still a person who writes lists that reference my OTHER lists. But in this moment, I am realizing more deeply that I can DO all of that with joy instead of rigidity!

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On the Sabbath, I Smell Like Jasmine

I remember reading a story about a mother who would welcome the Sabbath by wearing a special perfume on that day. I don’t know where this story came from, but I really liked the idea and it stuck with me. I envisioned the woman’s family recognizing that sweet scent, and knowing that the warmth of Shabbat was there. At some point, I decided to take this on as a personal practice. I picked Jasmine oil as my special scent because it felt peaceful and also wasn’t a scent that I normally used (normally, I smell like lavender, cinnamon, or just plain old patchouli hippie).

When my husband and I lived at Twin Oaks (an eco-village of 100 people on 600 acres), we would celebrate the Sabbath together by camping out by the river and praying/meditating all day. I loved how the jasmine scent that I wore gradually faded throughout the day and by sundown was mostly gone. Now that we are living together with a baby in a “normal” neighborhood, I put on my Sabbath jasmine oil and remember those beautiful days by the river. It also brings my attention back into the present moment, as a reminder that this day is not about doing, but is about BEING.

I came across the following description of the scent:

Jasmine fragrance is associated with inner feelings and aspirations. It is intensely floral but with a feminine modesty. Jasmine is a mood enhancer and aphrodisiac. Jasmine is a scent so unreserved that it purifies the emotions. It has been known to relieve melancholy. As a well-used scent, Jasmine provides strength in matters of spiritual love. It has a soothing effect on the inner-self and lends its scent well to meditation and contemplation.

Seems appropriate.

Plushie Seder Plate!

While thinking of ways to make Passover more fun for kids (and babies), I got the idea to make a festive seder plate that is entirely made out of plushie toys, paper mache, and other crafts. I made a paper mache “shank bone”, cloth lettuce bunch + yarn “parsley”, plushie “charoset” (the pink ball things), squeak-toy “horseradish” (the yellow thing) and a plushie “clump of horseradish”. I had a decorated wooden egg rattle-toy that I used as the roasted egg. Then I made a couple pieces of matzoh out of cardboard (probably tastes similar to the real stuff!) + decorated them with crayons. The plate itself was a plastic serving tray that I painted. Everything was made from recycled materials and my 1-year-old LOVED playing with it when I was done!

Skinny-Dipping Rainbow-Haired Orthodox Jewish Chicks

I have a fantasy of becoming a fully observant Jew, following all the “rules” in a way that is meaningful, bringing awareness into every action I take, and dressing the part (covered hair and all). I like this idea partly because I think it is sexy, partly because I have a perverse sense of humor, and partly because I imagine that living that way actually WOULD be extremely fulfilling emotionally + spiritually.

Sometimes I think that what’s stopping me is that the main people in my life aren’t observant whatsoever. I end up doing things like going out on Friday night with friends because I don’t want to miss out on the fun. I end up cooking my step-son breakfast on Saturday morning because he’s only with us on the weekends and I don’t want him to think of me as some weirdly religious evil step-mom who refuses him hot breakfasts. I don’t like the idea of hanging out with my alternative progressive feminist friends and them looking at me like I’m a loser while asking “so… WHY are you wearing that scarf thing on your head?”. I picture my husband in the background rolling his eyes while I attempt to dress modestly, making comments like “Hey but aren’t you that chick that I met on a commune, skinny-dipping and insisting we be polyamorous? Isn’t this a little out of character for you? Aren’t you just playing dress-up?”

And he’d be right. It would be totally weird for me to cover my hair out of “modesty”, because I don’t really get the whole modesty thing. I pretty much prefer to be naked or wearing a bright multicolored tutu and fairy wings at all times. I don’t see nakedness as inherently sexual or something that needs to be hidden. I’d also have a lot of problems with other Orthodox viewpoints (on subjects like gay marriage, gender roles, etc).

Because of my alternative/radical views on most subjects, I end up doing “Jewish stuff” with the more “open-minded” Jewish crowd. But my problem with that is that these groups are often small, unorganized, meet irregularly, and are less observant than me (with everyone driving on the Sabbath to go get more bacon-wrapped shrimp). I want to find a temple that feels like a home, and a group to worship with that feels like a family. Reform Synagogues feel too watered-down + “churchy” to me. I want the prayers to be in Hebrew. I want the people to be REALLY REALLY INTO IT and not just waiting around or reading along together in monotone voices. I feel like the passion is being hoarded by the ultra-Orthodox folks, and that I’m way too weird to hang out with them. When will I reach the end of my Blind Melon video and find my tribe of skinny-dipping rainbow-haired Orthodox Jewish chicks??

I realized today that the problem is that I have been imagining that there is only ONE correct way of being observant. I often think of the orthodox folks as having some sort of “magical authority” over what Judaism “IS”. But I also really like the quote “I practice my religion exactly the same way my ancestors did: I make it up as I go!”. I find absolutely nothing wrong with changing rituals to make them more meaningful to me. So now what I have to do is start being more observant, in a way that works for me, in a way that MEANS something to me. I will start by keeping the Sabbath EVERY week. I’m not sure what that means yet… but I am excited to find out!

Conscious Parenting

Judging requires effort.  Anger requires effort.  Believing and reacting to thoughts about what “should be happening” requires effort.  Believing and reacting to thoughts like “this is more than I can do” or “people are asking too much of me” requires effort.  These are the things that are actually draining, not what is happening in the moment.

If people imagine that they are needed to do more than they think they are physically able to do, this can be a very stressful thought.  But often what is actually happening in those moments is that they are either not realizing what their capabilities are, or they are misinterpreting what is actually needed in that situation.

I experienced this early on when my infant daughter would cry, I would put out a lot more energy than was necessary as I tried to “fix the problem”, and would feel exhausted and nervous about not being able to calm her.  Then my husband had the insight that all the baby ACTUALLY needed in that moment was for me to be present, and hold her while looking at her with love and acceptance.  And it was true.  I realized that I obviously couldn’t calm her while believing the stressful thought that I HAD TO calm her.  Without that thought, what naturally happened was just experiencing being true love, and this is what is actually needed when there is no obvious physical need.  Everything else requires effort and becomes draining.

Being infinite love requires no effort.  It is not training yourself to have “positive thinking”.  It is what happens before thinking begins.  It is surrendering and letting everything happen through you instead of being done by you.

I used to think that this experience of complete surrender into infinite love and consciousness was something random, ephemeral, and sporadic.  But I have learned that consciousness is actually a muscle that can be exercised (by doing body-awareness and thought-questioning exercises, or by praying in a way that invokes real surrender instead of just feeling safe).

In any moment, you can choose to fully embrace believing your thoughts, or choose to fully embrace consciousness/G-d/surrendering.  I think this is what that “Jesus” guy was talking about when he said to give up all possessions and follow him (I like the idea of reclaiming Jesus as a cool Jewish dude, instead of thinking of him with the mythology/concepts that Christians came up with)… Anyway, I don’t think he was talking about morals or afterlife; I think he was talking about having freedom from suffering NOW.  I think he was talking about giving up all of your baggage (in every moment that you remember that you can) and embracing what is happening in THIS moment instead of believing that you know better than the universe what SHOULD be happening in this moment.  Such sweet bliss is available in every moment, but we often pick “being right” over it.